The need behind your questions
We ask questions all the time, especially of those close to us, but we rarely stop and think about the answers we’re hoping for.
When you ask someone “Do you love me?”, are you satisfied with the answer you get? If not, it may be that there is actually something else behind your question.
In my training when we asked questions, the trainer would often ask “And what is the statement behind that question?”
If you ask your partner “Do you love me?” what are you really saying or needing?
Could it be one of the following?
- “I want a hug”
- “I’m feeling insecure”
- “I’m feeling anxious about where our relationship is going”
- “I don’t love me and so I’m scared you don’t love me either”
- “I don’t feel good enough for you”
- “I’m feeling a bit vulnerable and I need some reassurance from you that everything is going to be okay.”
We expect or hope that people will respond to our questions with what we really want and when they don’t, we can become angry, disappointed or anxious. We often feel worse than we did before, but we’re not sure why.
So next time you want to ask this kind of question, I wonder if you could see yourself stopping and pausing to think about what you really want. Think about how you’re feeling and what you might need. If you can, try to ask for that instead. So instead of saying “Do you love me?” say, “I need you to give me a hug. Or – I need you to stop what you’re doing and spend some time with me. Or – I’d really like it if you could give me some space right now.”
Our greatest gift is communication, but it’s also one of the hardest things to do properly – with ourselves and with others. It makes us feel vulnerable, so we hide behind half-spoken truths in the hope the other person will understand anyway. Although it can be really hard at first, it gets easier to speak honestly, and it is through honesty and vulnerability that we can find strength and true reassurance.