Last week I had my assessment, and I’ve now had confirmation that I do indeed have ADHD.
I went into it saying two things: that my brain no longer worked, and that I was worried I was “just a little bit sh1t”. It turns out both of those things were wrong.
I’ve waited a week to let things settle. I thought I should wait until all the paperwork arrived, but I’ve realised that waiting takes more energy for me than sharing, and I need to complete this.
My brain still functions, when I have the energy, focus and attention, at a level that meets the top 0.5% of the population. When I’m exhausted – which hit during the assessment – that dropped to 1.5%. Halfway through the five-hour assessment I had to sit on the floor from exhaustion. After the next test, I had to lie down in a dark room before I could even continue talking. This crash and burn, it turns out, is all part of it.
During that 1.5% performance, some of the maths questions showed the correct process, but back to front. In daily life, it doesn’t matter how much of the process my brain still knows – if the outcome is wrong, it’s wrong. Systems don’t work. Things don’t happen. ‘Almost’ doesn’t count.
My feelings around this outcome are complex: shock, surprise, validation, affirmation, grief, trust in myself, loss, anger. Not anger with anyone in particular, and not with myself – but with life. With not having been able to know my whole self earlier. With struggling with things and blaming myself for what was never within my control, or being blamed and judged by others.
I had been waiting on the public health route for over two years and was told over the summer that my assessment would finally happen in autumn. Autumn came and went. When I called, I was told it would be another two years.
I was then given an extraordinary gift by a very dear family member: the option to go privately with SMART Psykiatri. They provided the most comprehensive, thorough assessment I could have hoped for.
The process allowed me to see – in real time, in the room – just how many strategies I use every single day, why they are so exhausting, and how my energy cycles between functioning, burnout, and recovery. The doctors and psychologists were some of the kindest, most affirming and supportive people I could have wished for. I am deeply grateful not just for their clinical expertise, but for the genuine human contact – for seeing a person in their truth. I am aware of the privilege of being able to go private, to not have to wait another two years, or four, indefinitely waiting to start my life, and I am grateful.
So here it is. My self-knowledge is a little closer to where I aim for it to be before the end of my – hopefully very long – life.
ADHD Neurodiversity LateDiagnosis MentalHealthAwareness SelfKnowledge Neurodivergent InvisibleDisability Burnout #Wellbeing WorkplaceWellbeing
