Living in a neurodivergent family can be tough, especially in a world that is not neuro-affirming, with schools and workplaces causing many ND children and adults excessive and unnecessary distress.
As a parent of a neurodivergent child, how can you provide the best support?
Learn as much as you can about your child’s diagnosis
While the early days of researching can be exhausting, it is worth it in the long run, as it can help you find easier ways to work with your child, that make fewer demands on you.
You don’t have to read long scientific papers, or even books, you can watch reels or videos from people who post online. If you choose the social media route to educate yourself, make sure you watch a wide range – there are some people who do not provide the best information, but with a cross-section, over time, you will be able to figure out who is worth listening to! Find other parents of children with similar diagnoses and learn from those that have already done some of this work. We all have different skills and abilities, and we can support one another by sharing the knowledge that we gain.
- Your child may have a single label or multiple labels that you need to learn about, such as ADHD, autism, dyspraxia, dyslexia, demand avoidance etc. These can be different if they are ‘standalone’ versus ‘combined’. While we are all different and unique, there will be some similarities that are relevant to us.
- Notice how your child’s neurotype shows itself on the outside – what do you see as an observer, as their parent? How do others see your child e.g. peers, teachers?
- Understand the biology behind your child’s label, so you know what is happening inside their brains and bodies when you see certain behaviours outside e.g. dopamine or nervous system dysregulation, sensory overload, different areas of the brain being used more than ‘neurotypical’ brains and vice versa.
- Start to become aware of your child’s triggers and daily pattern of needs e.g. do they have a low social battery, do they experience one or more forms of sensory overload, does reading or writing take a lot of energy for them, are there certain times of day or certain activities that are more likely to trigger strong reactions in them?
Research strategies that are based in the biology of how your child functions
If you understand what is going inside your child, and how these relate to what you see on the outside, you can start to more easily figure out ways to support your child more quickly and more effectively – as you start to address the internal, unmet need, rather than responding to how it might show itself outside.
So for example, when a child is dysregulated, they might scream and shout or swear – if you respond to the behaviour as a ‘bad behaviour’ and scold, or punish, or even gently ask them not to, this might escalate the situation, because it is not addressing the unmet need, and is adding more demands on to what is already being experienced by them as ‘too much’. If instead you try to lower the demands being placed on them, address their needs, whether this is a deep hug, or being given physical and psychological space, they will calm down and the behaviour will stop.
Other examples are offered below.
- For example, ADHD bodies struggle to regulate dopamine, and ADHD brains struggle to do what we want them to, when they’re low on dopamine. They literally lose focus when they’re trying to concentrate on something boring (unlike non-ADHD brains, that tend to do more of what they’re told to i.e. focus!).
- There are many things that can boost dopamine, and we can figure out some good ways to do this for our ADHD children, then they will be able to do more of the things they need to be doing such as getting dressed, homework, eating, tidying up or doing any task that feels boring. Using strategies that work for your child, means you can create a homelife that tries to offer opportunities for longer lasting dopamine boosts throughout the day, for example:
Protein instead of (or alongside) carbs and sugar
High intensity movement
Pushing hard against things
Spinning or jumping
Half hour of watching something funny before homework
- If your child experiences sensory overload, they may not want physical contact or to engage in conversation when they come home from school. They may instead need an hour (or two) of quiet alone time, reading, on a computer, whatever helps them to regulate, perhaps with a snack quietly left by their side.
- If food is an issue, join online groups to help you find creative ways to add extra nutrients into their diet – if their difficulties seem more than most, you may need to contact a dietitian or psychologist, as they may have ARFID, and this requires a very different support approach.
- If your child does experience any form of sensory overload, create a home where you can quickly reduce sensory demands:
Have easily accessible ear plugs or ear defenders
Use dimmer lighting
Have comfortable clothes easy to access (or allow no clothes)
Create a special darkened corner or small tent
If multiple screens or devices are in use at the same time, see if you can get into the habit of everyone using earphones or headphones
Switch your mobile ring tone or doorbell for a quieter or less harsh sound
If smells are an issue, stop using strong scents on your body, for washing or for laundry
If cooking smells are an issue, you can use an extractor fan, or provide a scented candle to mask the smells – if there is a variety of sensory overload for different family members, it may be necessary to switch up cooking routines, or allow some family members to eat at different times or in different rooms
- Think about how to help your children (and yourself!) regulate when feeling dysregulated. Some examples might include:
Provide options for movement e.g. a Swiss ball to roll on, running up and down the stairs, space to spin
Make spaces available for those that need small, tight spaces, to help them calm down – it doesn’t have to be a dedicated place, under your sofa cushions, under the mattress, wrapped Burrito-style in a rug – all these are free and some will be easy to create in your home
Think about how to reduce bright lights – turning them off, using side lamps or night lights, installing dimmer switches
Providing or offering noise reducing or noise cancelling earplugs or headphones, or simply turning off sounds that may distress such as TV, radio, extractor fans, and lowering your own voice
- Think about what works best for each family member to help reduce anxiety:
Learn and teach calming breathing techniques
Try pressure on the body through massage or being wrapped tightly in a blanket (or under a weighted blanket) – this can help some kids
Standing on spiky things can help some people – for example, a Shakti mat or – something most homes have is Lego, and you can literally just chuck a load on the floor, and let them walk barefoot on them – works for hyposensitive kids, less so for hypersensitive – and trust me, this works amazingly for some!
- Be aware that for many kids, just before and just after school can feel like times of high demand with lots of feelings of anxiety. Think about reducing demands where you can, and identifying key triggers for meltdowns, removing or avoiding them where possible:
If they struggle with putting socks on, do it for them – leave teaching moments for the weekend
If combing long hair in the mornings is a challenge, either don’t do it, or do it the night before and put it into a braid, so it doesn’t need brushing in the morning
Use water only for brushing teeth if even the flavour-free and foam-free options are too much, and use toothpaste at less demanding times of day
Think about what other support your child might need
If your child is struggling with school, you may need to request (or even demand) meetings to discuss support adaptations for your child – work closely with all the professionals you need to, and find support through charities if you’re not getting anywhere alone. Unfortunately, the education system is still failing many neurodivergent families and blaming parents – you are not alone, and it is not your fault if your child is finding school difficult or refusing to attend because of unsupported needs.
If school feels impossible, it can help to allow them a sick day off school, to recover and restore their energy. Despite what many schools insist upon (getting your child through the school doors no matter what), this is not advisable from a health perspective, and can lead to heightened anxiety, extreme overload, exhaustion, burnout, and – what can seem counter-intuitively – long-term school avoidance. If your child is finding it very hard to go into school, then it is time to meet with a psychologist or doctor to support the child’s perspective, and with the school to discuss additional adaptations.
Unfortunately, many neurodivergent children do get to this state, with inappropriate or insufficient adaptations made by schools, and some families choose home schooling or (private/fee charging online schools). If you family has the privilege to choose these routes, they may be worth considering for your child.
While many neurodivergent children manage to successfully navigate school, without significant negative impact to their wellbeing, it is also very important to remember that the ‘traditional’ route can often not be the right route for many others, and there are many adults who failed school, and found other ways to be successful in life – taking exams in early adulthood or later, undertaking training or apprenticeships, or self-employment. Many adults also manage to find employment in jobs that suit their skill-set, despite not doing well at school. There are always alternatives.
In terms of additional support, it can really help to find other local parents and neurodivergent families in the same position as you, because they absolutely do exist.
You will have more strength with support, people who understand and do not gaslight your every-day existence.
Your child may continue to struggle, even if you have educated yourself and do all you can to support your child appropriately. This is when you might consider professional support, such as dietitians, physiotherapists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, and regular therapists that specialise in neurodivergence, such as me!
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Finally, many of us parents may also be going through our own journey of realisation that we are neurodivergent, some of us going for diagnoses later in life.
Many of us were not brought up with neurodivergent or gentle parenting techniques, and we may be carrying trauma from our own childhoods. Changing how we parent to better support our own kids, can be liberating, but it can bring grief with it – if only I had been parented this way, how much easier life would have been – and it can be absolutely exhausting, as we don’t have a blueprint for parenting this way, we are literally making it all up, researching, observing. Many neurodivergent families are working as scientists in their own homes, carrying out trials, seeing what works, adapting on the basis of how well our methods seem to be working – or not! If we have strong memories of our own childhood (and many do not), then you can use your own memories of what might have helped you, to try to create a better way of parenting your own children.
In among all this, please remember to be gentle on yourselves, as well as gentle with your children.
We are living in a world that can be a bit too much at times, and we are re-learning how to understand ourselves, and how to get our needs met, while simultaneously supporting our children in all this. It is not an easy task, and it is ok for us to make mistakes too. We are all in this together.
